Setting: A hospital room, somewhere in Dallas, with a recuperating patient recently released from surgery. A doctor and nurse are in the room, discussing the surgery in question with the patient.
Doctor: So then, we inserted the screw into this bone here (:points to x-ray) and sewed you back up. You'll be able to go home in about two or three days, and you'll need to keep weight off of it for at least three weeks.
Russian: A screw? You inserted a screw into my foot? This is not what I asked for at all! And where is my alligator?
Nurse: (horrified) What? We don't allow alligators into hospitals, sir!
Doctor: What request are you talking about exactly, Mr. Zubov?
Russian: I told you, just chop the stupid foot off and put a replacement foot on there. (exasperated) Seriously, this is not that difficult. I sent you a memo through the head nurse, and I also specifically requested that my alligator be allowed to come stay with me during my time here. He is leash-trained and everything! I am highly disappointed, doctor.
Doctor: Sir, we can't just put a replacement foot on there. I'm not sure anyone is currently performing...foot transplants. Also, I have no idea where you'd find a "replacement foot".
Russian: Hmph. I'm sure any foot in my size would have done just fine, unless you had gone to Sweden and chopped off Peter Forsberg's.
Nurse: Who?
Russian: Shouldn't you be doing something useful? Like finding my alligator?
Doctor: Mr. Zubov, it's not like feet are growing on trees around here. Plus, you will do just fine as long as you give it the requisite time to heal. You won't be able to skate for a month or so, but you should be mobile and healthy after that!
Russian: Outrageous! This is ridiculous! What is the point of a capitalist society if you can't demand something like this and get it, especially for what I paid you for a simple screw! I could've done that on my own with a bottle of vodka and a Black and Decker drill! Where is that Niskanen kid when I need him? He would've given me one of his feet! And damn it, where is my alligator?
Nurse: We are not bringing an alligator in here, sir. It's unsanitary.
Russian: Oh, don't worry. He doesn't eat nurses. Just cameramen.
Doctor: Nurse, page Dr. Smith. We're going to need a psych evaluation...stat.
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4 comments:
Hahaha! Best thing I've read all day :D
I could've done that on my own with a bottle of vodka and a Black and Decker drill!
HEEEEEEEEEE.
Poor Russian! He must hate being separated from his alligator!
Hahaha! Best thing I've read all day :D
Why, thank you, my dear!
Poor Russian! He must hate being separated from his alligator!
I'm sure he'll live. :D
Where is that Niskanen kid when I need him? He would've given me one of his feet!
HAHAHAHA! He totally would have.
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