The Norstrom Problem

We have a problem on the Stars, and I believe the title of this post could be applicable league-wide, if one of these types of players ever ends up on a team. The problem is hurting us play-wise and cap-wise. The problem, however, is such a sweet problem to have, who whilst totally unintenionally fucking us over, offers us meatballs and lingonberry preserves, while offering a fun-filled day of shopping at IKEA, because the problem knows we have been lusting after that BERGMAR endtable since that 2008 calendar came out.

The problem in question is Mattias Norstrom.

Matty Norstrom is a major cap hit at $4.25 million. It will never cease to amaze me why Doug Armstrong thought signing Matty was such a fantastic, wonderful idea. The team's already top-heavy on "veteran" leadership, which is the main appeal of signing someone like Matty Norstrom. With guys like Zubov, Turco, Boucher, Barnes, Modano, and Morrow, to name a few of many, what in the good Christ compelled Armstrong to say, "That beautiful, bald-headed Swede! I'll take HIM!"

With 48 games played this season, Matty was recently -8 with a whopping 6 points. He's since moved up to a glorious -2, thanks in no small part to Brad "SAVIOR OF THE STARS" Richards. My point of view regarding defensive defenseman is this: If they stop the puck from going into the net, I don't give a damn about how many points they get. But come on, Matty. Are those numbers a joke?

Is a -8 defenseman worth $4.25 million/year?

I can't tell if Norstrom's play is just middle of the road or he's trying to get his feet under him after an injury-laden season, between knee problems and then being "accidentally" high-sticked in the face by Turco. (Sorry, I know it was an accident. I can just see Turco being a passive-aggressive freakshow who would "accidentally" trip someone or "accidentally" high-stick someone in the face.) Either way, there have been countless times where I scream at the television in fury and throw popcorn at a teensy image of an enormous Swede, "NORSTROM, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET RID OF YOU!" while he's busy screening up Marty FOR the other team, or failing to keep his assignment on the ice.

And then I feel bad, because Matty Norstrom is such a nice guy. On the ice, off the ice, Norstrom is genuinely a very sweet, kind person.

So, it makes me feel badly oftentimes to say, "Norstrom, the orange traffic cones outside my office can play better defense than you can. Hell, the crackhead homeless person outside of my office can play better defense than you right now. That dude with NO LEGS who sits on the sidewalk by one of the Woodall Rogers service roads could probably play better defense than you. I've ice skated once in my entire life; give me a stick and I could totally play better defense than you. As long as I didn't get put on a line with Zubov." Then internally I remind myself of what a kind-hearted guy Norstrom is and I feel terrible.

I have a guilt issue.

So here it is: Matty, I like you as a human being. You're a great guy! (Like you needed me to tell you such things.) I don't think you're the right fit for this team, though. I think someone like Mark Fistric is. And I think there's another team out there for you, one who's going to be awesomely amazing, who you're going to have a lot of fun with -- it's just not this team, Matty. I know you tried to sway my opinion with that goal the other night, but it's just not working out, Matty.

So instead of offering the lingonberry preserves to us, why don't you offer some to your agent? I hear that person can help you find the team of your dreams. And after all, Matty, isn't happiness what we all want? Go for your dreams, Matty.

Just go for them someplace else.