Stars vs. Coyotes - 03.05.08

Who's excited to see the Coyotes again? Who's excited for Coach Gretzky? Who is ready for some wonderful divisional play?

So, I'm not the only one who feels bored to tears too, huh?

Pre-Game

Our broadcast team is just...insane. Between Renner and Rhadigan, I'm already feeling particularly despondent. At least mumbly Craig Ludwig is back, who at least knows what he's talking about.

I'm thoroughly disappointed in Ralph's ensemble this evening. It's so...easy. A blue suit, blue striped shirt and a blue silk tie. It looks nice, but B- for look, F for effort, Ralph. Razor is wearing a nice tie that reminds me of a sunrise. Razor wins the tie battle this evening. Ralph does inform me that Zubov's disposition is "good" which probably means "only slightly crotchety with a mild side of cranky".

We get a Happy Meals interview. What a dork (and I mean that in a good way).

Niskanen is definitely back and Grossman is benched tonight. My dreams of seeing Matty Norstrom benched? Gone.

First Period

Boucher gets hurt on his very first shift, something involving his shoulder -- some Coyote hit him into the boards at a bad angle on his shoulder. The grimace of pain on Bouche's face is not good.

Our power play is a complete mess. First power play? One shot on goal. A joke. We get another power play right after that...and it's still a mess. The Stars look unmotivated and uncaring. And then Eriksson takes a penalty for goaltender interference. Wow. The rest of this game had better not go this way, or I'm throwing things. By throwing things, I really mean I'm throwing my resolve to finish watching all my March hockey...right out the window.

Mattias Norstrom, please go back to Sweden. PLEASE. IKEA's hiring. I know they are.

Okay, Daley just did really well hauling the puck down into the offensive zone, and right as I think that, Razor seconds my thought. I seriously do not understand why people hate Daley so much. He makes mistakes, but not like Norstrom does, and he comes through at key times.

First goal goes to Mueller, who just landed his 20th. I have a headache.

Mittens does what looks like a tap dance on the ice after he gets tripped and hooked by some Coyote and loses his balance, falling to his knees. Yup, it's going to be THAT kind of game.

So far, this game has been....depressing.

First Intermission

Barnes is interviewed. I'm too depressed to type properly, and they're talking crazy eye injuries, which I cannot stand, so I'm tuning this out. Cat, Jen & I are not even discussing this. Between the three of us, we are having rousing discussions about Icy Hot (Jen), the AFI Film Festival (me), eating and Chicago being up one (Cat). I mention to Cat that this feels like three periods of hockey shoved into one already. Her response: "GOD I KNOW".

Second Period

I have no hope for the Stars. I'm finding total disenfranchisement is fine by me this evening. I'm tired and not entirely sure this hockey game is worth the time I'm spending. It's the March doldrums, that's for sure.

Phoenix scores (again, less than a minute in) and Jovonovski goes down oddly and seems to be hurt. They've got trainers out on the ice assisting. Jovo gets up and seems to be okay. (Edit: He comes out later and is playing regular shifts, so I'm sure he's alright.)

I hate Shane Doan; he took a late hit on Hagman in the first and screwed him up. Boucher isn't coming back. I say right now, we riot and we take over the American Airlines Center with some Molotov cocktails! Who's with me?

If you're not watching this game, the Stars look like they have never met each other before, never played for each other before and no one is speaking the same language. In other words, they're blowing hard.

And then, Mittens gives me some hope; he sets up close to the net and begins pushing and shoving with a Coyote and after the play is stopped, Mittens begins getting pushy-pushy with the Coyote! What in the goodness is going on here? Mittens, Mr. World Peace, Mr. Relaxed Finn, is pushing and shoving like Crazy Nik Hagman. Huh. (Mittens is just upset they hurt his BFF, I'm sure.) My mother would be shocked at your behavior, Mittens. (Good job.)

HEY WAYNE GRETZKY: Just because you're Wayne Gretzky doesn't entitle you to hijack my screen for five minutes with you screaming and yelling about HOW UNFAIR it is that your team took a penalty. Dude, it was blatant. Just shut up and pay off the refs if you're going to get that upset, O Great One. I get so sick of Gretzky's false sense of entitlement that his team is somehow never deserving of penalties because he's the coach.

Gretzky, you suck at coaching anyways. Get over it, shut up, and let the officials do their job. Nice to know you have some semblance of class.

A quick poll is taken. Jen is not cool with Bryzgalov's mustache. Cat kind of is, she says it suits him. I personally don't like it, but I love Bryz no matter what, so there you go.

Brenden's so mad, he knocks into the boards, kicks open the bench door and slams it shut, only to have it reopen from the force of him slamming it, and he very nearly slams it shut on Ribs, who's trying to struggle onto the bench. So....that should tell you a lot more too about this game. Winchester fights, and eventually loses, but got some pretty good hits in. Good job, F5.

And here we go with someone punching Otter in the back of the head. I don't know what Otter said to this dude, but he's pissed. The linesmen are being tugged all over the ice. It's crazy. The Coyote is fuirous, Gretzky looks mad enough to spit and is muttering profanity under his breath; Otter goes to the box for his obligatory five and is mouthing off to the Coyote in the adjoining box. Hee. Tippett looks like he's about to jump the bench and beat Gretzky within an inch of his life, which I fully support.

God. Someone. Please. TAKE THE FOOD AWAY FROM BRETT HULL. They show his photoshoot with Gretzky, and I must say that Hulmo is starting to look like The Penguin. Yes. Freakin' Penguin from Batman, with the suits and the top hat and the waddle. It is really starting to upset me, guys. Jen & I briefly are distracted from the OMGWTFHULLIE to notice that he has his tie in his pocket. Jen speculates: "Don't want to get that tie dirty with all that Arby's sauce". You know it's true. Also, he looks distinctly too happy to be sharing a photoshoot with Gretzky, who looks as if to say, "Seriously. Get it over with."

I can't really tell you what just happened in the game because I was just informed that Patrick Swayze has terminal cancer and will die soon.

DAMMIT. SWAYZE, NO!

What in the Christ. THis game is blowing. Barnes is working awesomely to try and score and is denied. I have no idea where our team went, but they need to come back and soon.

WWAAAAAAAAYYYY TO GO BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD WINCHESTER! Jen's only been waiting for htis moment for....FOREVER! Good job, buddy! He looks so pleased with himself. You deserve it, Winchester!

I'm so exhausted.

Second Intermission

I have no idea what happened here. I was too busy catching up on INTERCHANGEABLE PARTS (go visit them, they're seriously the best hockey bloggers out there. Period. End of story.)

Third Period

Bryz is momentarily pissing me off for the fact that he keeps denying Robidas. YOU LET ROBI HAVE A GOAL, ILYA.

Seriously, I would love love love love love love to meet Ilya Bryzgalov. The guy just screams fun and frivolity, does he not? I kinda want to adopt him.

SOMEONE TIE MARTY TURCO TO THE NET. Making saves on your knees five feet out of the net is unacceptable. Part of that was Niskanen. Norstrom is teaching him bad habits. Please come back soon, Russian, come back soon! We need your angsty, crotchety, Soviet-hockey-esque guidance!

Hagman's shot gets deflected off of a stick, and Nik Hagman looks alternately like the sorrow at missing the net is emotionally destroying him, and like he's going to murder someone by beating them to death at any moment.

This strikes fear into my heart: "The puck goes to Norstrom..." NOOOO!

Ralph is entirely to thrilled that Robi got the touch for icing. Robi looks like he needs a hug. Your fan club volunteers, Robi! We all volunteer! Group hug for Robidas!

This game sucks so hard.

I could make a list of 8,000 reasons why this game has sucked so hard. SUCK SUCK SUCK.

Richards at least looks like he's hustling, he just dropped like a sack of potatoes to save a puck from being given away to a Coyote. Good job, B-Rad!

We just pulled Turco and someone high sticked Hagman, so they're going to the box. Well played, Coyotes. STUPID GRETZKY. His hair is so ugly.

I HATE WAYNE GRETZKY, It's official. As one of his stupid players holds up Ribs on the boards, one of the Yotes hits Ribbons in the face and as the whisle's called begins to fight back and all these players jam up into the fight. One of the Coyotes came dangerously close to kicking Modano in the junk with a skate blade. Tippett is so mad. Gretzky sits on the bench and laughs!

You and Roenick are equally hated now, Gretzky, and that's saying a lot.

Gretzky also looks like he's had some work done on his face, just sayin'.

I hate this game.

I am pissed.

If I am pissed, how is Dave Tippett feeling, huh?